16.1.06

Mean Sleeper

You know how they say when you're drunk or asleep, you're without inhibitions and so you act and speak more truthfully then when you're alert? I really hope they're wrong because I'm an asshole when I sleep.

"Define: asshole," you say.

Alrightie sir. As an example, last night, Mrs. A and I went to bed on bad terms. I was an insensitive caveman while fully conscious and the day ended poorly. Mrs. A's family came over on Saturday and spent the weekend with us and we had a great time. We all got hammered on Saturday night and Mrs. A was feeling really bad the next day. But it was more than just hungover, it was something more etherial.

Anyway, add that to me being a jerk and we ended the day not talking.

So apparently, she woke up screaming and crying from a bad dream at some point. Being Mr. Caring and Attentive, I told her I'd get more sleep if she went to the couch.

Yeah, that's right.

Only thing is, I don't remember it. It's a pattern. Lil Miss Austin wakes up and screams at the top of the stairs, I grumble that she's got no room to be crying like that. Yogi wakes up and I blame Mrs. Austin for not giving him the right PJs or bottle or something. She'll wake me up if I'm snoring really bad because she's worried about me not breathing right and I give her a load of crap for it being 4:30 in the morning.

Now, I used to pride myself on going from REM to Alertness in nothing flat. I've always thought myself a light sleeper and still feel I take a long time to get to sleep and am easily disturbed by sounds or motion. So to hear that not only do I not wake up when my kids cry, but that I'm a selfish prick when I do really gets under my skin.

Why? Well why not? Would anyone feel good after finding out you're a mean ass bastard when you sleeptalk; especially to your loved ones? I love my wife and kids, I hate the idea that any part of me is mean to them, especially parts I can't control. That makes it somehow worse.

At first it was kind of funny, I'd swear like an old sailor or WWII vet, spouting some nearly discernable gibberish, then roll over in a huff and continue sleeping. It was charming because I was sleeping. Now it's just a pain in the ass and I don't know that there is anything I can do about it. I'm really a nice guy when I'm awake, most of the time.

If you've ever been blamed for something you didn't do, but enough blame is heaped upon you that you start going back over your actions to see if in fact you did do something wrong, all the while still knowing that you're innocent yet having that sureness start to crumble, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's completely out of your control, and yet in the end, you still did something wrong. It's like dreaming about have sex with someone that's not your spouse; there's nothing you can do about it, but people do get bent outta shape when they hear it.

So thanks to my stupid brain, we started the day bad too.

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