Open Letter to Anticourteous Civilians

Dear AC,

I hope you are all doing well. I saw you today in the hall, and even though I made eye contact and you didn't, I still wish you well. I'm not the kind of person who will blanket a group with ill will. I genuinely hope all you guys have had a good weekend and maybe have some plans next week for some neat events, fine dining or exciting outdoor excursion.

In the meantime, and I hate to bring this up, but you guys all live in the same world as the rest of us. You know that world, the ones with doors, turn signals, elevators, cross walks, parking lots, intersections, lines for food and movie theaters. In your world, you have a president or prime minister or king or queen. We have that too. In your world you have sunshine and antelopes and salsa, what a coincidence! Our worlds share the same internet, the same oceanic currents, the same coastal erosion, the same William Hung. Our parallels run deep, almost as if we exist in the same exact point in time on the same exact point in space.

But that's not true, and we both know that. See, in your world, when someone opens a door for you, you open the door next to it and wait for the first person to go in, even after they opened the door for you. I know, it's weird, I can't understand it either. Why would someone do that for you? Boggles the mind, I tells ya.

In your world, people expect you to get on the elevator first, before they get out, it's just the social norm. They want to be jostled around, blocked and possibly prevented from leaving the car. They just do, they want that, they anticipate it. It's also highly desirable that you posses or purchase or rent the most pungent body odor you can find. I'm serious, that can only help.

In your world, people have the audacity to jump in front of your car while you're trying to speed past the crosswalks in the parking lot. Don't they know that the parking lots are designed for high speed and low attention driving? They are taking their lives in their hands by even thinking of reaching their cars from the doors of the shop.

In your world, an intersection is the perfect place to show how much you really care by over waving to your automobile counterpart. See, in your world, such interaction requires that one person wave, then another person wave or else the transaction isn't complete. I know you've heard elsewhere that that single wave/sign of courteousness is not only taboo, but highly insulting, how dare they. In fact, a third wave is highly desirable.

In your world the highway is a laneless meadow, free from the lawful constraints and physical limitations seen in the other world. You feel free to zip around cars, drive on the boundaries of the roads without so much as a nod to your fellow drivers, because they are aware of your every intent and are watching your every movement. To do otherwise is criminal. To do otherwise compromises the very fabric of your world, a fabric of self, a fabric of centrism.

In your world, people need guidance and they don't know where to get it. Everyone but you and your small isolated group of several millions, feel the need to help people find the light by following the doctrine of your favorite deity. After all, you are in the minority. Your world is a desolate wasteland of hedonism and debauchery with absolutely no one with your voice in power. Your beliefs and feelings are so misunderstood and so relegated to the corners and basements of the world, that you feel it necessary to shout the word of your savior to the heathens among you. In your world, no one but you has a compass, no one has guidance, no one has a belief structure or a mind of their own. They can't make decisions and need an ancient structure and tome to help them decide what's right. You are just doing a service and we should all appreciate your persistence.

I can't sympathize with you, but I can empathize. It's confusing when you cross over to our world, you know, the one with kindness and understanding and openness. It must be terribly difficult to cope with all these standards and all this conflicting stimulus. I just can't imagine the autistic mind set that goes on when someone opens a door for you or allows you to cross at an intersection or asks you to be quiet in a theater. That must shake you to the core of your being. It must make you really question your role in society. Is this really the place for you? Is it really worth the effort? If there was only some way to learn about this strange world and try to work within it instead of against it.

Well, it's a good thing you have that religion thing to help you get along with your fellow humans. You know the one, the one that preaches forgiveness and acceptance. That should help you out a great deal.

Keep it up.

Sincerely,
A Human Being from Planet Earth