"...here at the end of all things."

Sunday the 7th of July, 2013.

Grace and I are no longer seeing each other.  The wedding has been called off.  She has decided that she needs to learn to be by herself.  She told me she's confused and conflicted.  She believes we're both at a crossroads and it's a perfect time to find out what we really want and how we want to live our lives.

Last night we were talking and she said she had to admit a few things.  After we talked everything seemed okay.  I (literally) put out some fires at the house and went to bed.  I had had a horrible day with my job and was not looking forward to Monday.  Just after 11 she called back with more stress and anguish about everything.  Eventually I asked if she wanted to break up and she said she did.

What followed was categorical grief.  There was no sleep.  I cried a lot, but I mostly just sat in bed stunned. I stared at nothing for hours trying to think of what to do or say.  In the end there was nothing I could do.  As sudden and unexpected as it was, there was no changing it.

I'm still angry and I'm hurt beyond recognition.  She still wants to be friends, because there's a chance she'll have her few years of growth and realize she's ready to make a commitment.  Until then, I've got no plans to grow or seek happiness elsewhere.  I'd found something inordinately special and I'll likely never find her like again.  She's convinced time will make it all right.  I'm not at the point I believe her yet.  I'm 40 now and I know what it's like to be happy and what it's like to hurt.  I know that it's not going to get better.  I know I don't want anything else.

I'm sure I'll be able to cope.  I'm sure that in time the sting won't. be as wicked.  My concern is that this will turn to resentment.  I also know myself and I don't recover well from these.  It's going to take all I have not to be petty and hurtful just because I'm wounded.

I don't understand it.  I can't comprehend the reasoning behind being happy (as I was told) and in one turn being conflicted and confused and wanting it it all to end.

So, I'm going to be quiet for a while.  I don't know how else to do it.  I'm also fairly sure this will mark the end of this blog.  I haven't been writing and I don't see much of a reason to keep up with it.  I wish you all well.

Carry on.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about this, Ben. Breakups suck.
Hang in there.

Neighbor Jason