It's not healthy to keep doing the same thing despite poor results. It's not good for your mental or physical health to remain in an environment where you feel you don't belong or you're not very good at your work.
Don't get me wrong, my job is a good job to have. I have one, first of all. I have insurance, a bonus. It's a non-profit so there's very little effort to please shareholders or trim the fat. You have to do something spectacularly stupid in order to get fired. They have a 401k, it's downtown, my boss is flexible with my schedule and I get a fair amount of vacation.
But I feel like an idiot when I do my job.
It's one of those feelings you get after doing something for a long time, be it a hobby or paid position: The more you know, the less you understand. It may be that a wise man admits that he knows nothing, but admitting that in IT means termination. Telling your boss you don't know or you can't do it, means they'll hire someone who can at half your pay. So you end up doing things quickly but wrong just so you can get them done. You hesitate in pulling the trigger on projects and any big decisions you leave to other people.
I feel like a child.
I'm going back to school to learn a trade, to perfect a skill. I'm going to use that skill to get a better job, but one that might require me to move somewhere in 5-10 years. In the mean time, every new piece of software I install and every guide or manual I skim through and every service call I make reminds me just how much I don't know. At some point I'd like to know what I'm doing.
See, I spent 15 years drawing comic books and at no point did I ever feel confident in either my skill or knowledge. Despite having gone to school to study art, I'd always felt like an outsider and a hack, doing just enough to get in but not enough to make it feel like it was what I wanted to do. I want be a better person, a confident person, a knowledgeable person so that whatever job I have, whatever hobby I'm in, I don't look at all these wires or bricks or pencils and think to myself that I'm a fraud and it's only a matter of time before someone finds out.
I found out today that a Lego builder I'd never heard of died. I didn't know him or what he'd built. He was apparently so influential that people are suggesting Lego name a piece after him. The man was also a graphic artist and had two kids. He was killed in a car accident.
That could have been me and it started me thinking that I shouldn't just sit here and feel the way I do while I do my job. Yes I get paid, but there's got to be more to it than that, and no amount of money should cover feeling small and worthless.
I can't say I'm strong enough to change, but I'm going to give it a shot.
at 2:53 PM