Simmah down nah.

So I'm going to turn 30 this year, in about 5 months. Things have started to creep around my head as this stigmatic age approaches, and it's not just my hairline. I'm starting to compare myself to my parents more and more. Before it was just I thought I had sounded like my mom or said something like my dad, but lately it's more esoteric. I've started wondering what they were thinking when they were my age, how evolved were they mentally and emotionally and socially. I mean, I'm 29 and I watch Dragonball Z and collect Star Wars Lego sets and play video games. Was my dad doing things like this in 1984? I know there weren't the video games back then like today, but surely there was Saturday morning cartoons.

I think the big thrust of this is understanding myself as a grown up but with this feeling mentally of a child. It's both a benefit and a detriment to be in this flux state, to be old and have the experience, but still "young at heart" and not use your wisdom as you should. I don't like worrying about 401ks and insurance and how much equity is in my house and what tax bracket I'm in. I'd rather draw more and write in here and play with Rowan and go to a movie. Yes it's not fiscally wise, but who cares? I don't. I worry about it just enough to motivate me into helping Cheryl with the bills, but 2 hours later I've lost it again and I'm looking for the next escape. Most of my friends are younger, now that I've moved to Texas. When I was in Colorado, I was among the younger members of the group. So this age is starting to wear me around the edges and I'm starting not to look good.

It will repeat itself I'm sure when Rowan is my or Cheryl's age. She'll compare herself to us, just as we do now. Cheryl is always asking if she's acting like her parents, and it's always in a negative way. I do the same thing, her parents do the same thing. No one wants to turn out like their parents, even though their folks might be good people. There are a lot of qualities I'd like from my parents, but all you can end up seeing is the negativity. So just like me, Rowan will be worried that she'll grow up with a temper and avoidance of conflict issues, or control issues, depending on what parent she emulates more. Hopefully she'll grasp early that I'm just as mortal and fallible as any other human and she'll just love me for me no matter how many times I've replayed Star Wars X-Wing Alliance.

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