One Year

Cheryl said something the other day that struck me as odd. Rowan had just looked up at her from under a table, put her head on her knee and said "Hi." Cheryl almost started crying and said, "I don't have enough room in my heart for all the love I have for her." Fair enough. I'm sure a lot of parents say that. Most of us feel that as well. You just look at that little cherub face with those innocent, impressionable eyes and think, "You are a creature of magic and wonder and I'm so happy you chose me." I'm not as vocal about it as my lovely wife, she tends to speak her mind and emotions, and I tend to get ulcers. But it made me think a bit on the word and idea of Love. We were talking about having a 2nd monster this last weekend while traipsing around the Houston Zoo, and later when she said that I started wondering if I'd have enough room in my heart for another? Would it be fair to try to love them as much as Rowan? Is it fair even to think such thoughts? Now I know you're all saying that's heartless and cold and how could I even think that I'd love a second child less that the first. But think about it, if you're the 6th or 7th child, looking back, did it seem you were pretty much left to do whatever you wanted? Did it seem like no one was around? Did it seem like no one cared? I think logically you do throw a lot of your love and emotion and energy into a first child and it degrades after that. Humans just don't have the staying power.

Now I'm not saying I'm going to let our second child run around with a loaded weapon, scissors and an open milk container, swearing as they careen naked around the red light district, but I'm wondering how much actual love I'll be able to give them. I'm sure it will be considerable. I'm afraid of doing the Rowan Comparison Dance, especially if the second is a boy. There will be no end to "Man, Rowan never cried like this." "Rowan was always so happy, why isn't this one?"

It may not seem like it, but we are all capable of doing that now. We have a beagle that no body is really happy with right now. We're trying but it's very hard. Chimaera is very loving and friendly and protective, but she's also crazy and hyper and rambunctious and she sheds all over the place. We're afraid of admitting that she's just not our type and maybe needs a new family. I compare her to Rowan all the time and that's not fair. There's no way Chimaera will ever be able to respond to "What does a cow say" with "Moo." If I asked her that, her little ears would prick up and her head would cock to the side and that'd be it. Then she'd try to jump on me and probably knock something over. Does that mean I don't love her? I don't know. It's hard to admit you don't love something anymore. It's hard to admit you may not love something as much. It's hard to admit that you may in fact not have enough love in your heart for all the things in your life that need it. I'm truly afraid something will get pushed out...

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